Bad Company

Image: Simon Howden

So, my little sister is getting married in July and it's really got me feeling old and a little lonely.  Honestly.  I was in a funk about this for a couple of weeks.  Luckily, I pulled my ass out of it.  However, I didn't do this without a lot of thinking.

I've been single for nearly two years now.  I had a very stressful relationship before that.  And before that I almost got married to another man.  I've had my share of relationship crap (as has been well-documented in this blog). 

Anyway, I got to thinking about just what it is I am doing on the relationship "front".  Am I "working on me"?  Am I waiting for my knight in shining armor to come and sweep me off my feet?  Should I fill out an online "compatibility test" and see where it gets me?  Ha!  So, what am I doing?

Nothing.  And that is just fine with me. 

I'm not using this time to "better" myself.  Oh sure, I'm growing and learning life lessons and all that other crap, but I'm not doing this so that I can be better version of myself for the person I will eventually be with.  I like doing it.  And I plan on continuing this self-discovery/work well into the future--partnered up or not.

I am most definitely not waiting for some man to come save me.  I am an independent person.  But I've learned to budge a bit on that front too.  You see, I would like a stable man in my life.  "Stable" being the key word here.  Someone who has his shit together.  I'm not waiting for someone to get it together ever again.  This is important to me.  I understand that we are all on our own journeys and he need not make three figures, but I have been a little too understanding in this department in the past and I am over it.  Have a stable job.  Have some aspirations.  This is not too much to ask.

And yes, this next part is going to sound a little 1950's, but I want a man who takes the trash out and mows the lawn and fixes my car.  You know, the boy stuff.  I never had to do that shit when I was growning up because my brother and my dad took care of it because that is just what they did. 

Now that doesn't mean I can't do the boy stuff on my own.  Over the past two years, I've found that I can, but I don't really want to.  Men want to do that kind of crap.  They like to fix shit.  It's not anti-feminism.  It's how we are different.  It's how we were built, designed, whatever you want to call it.

On that note, I don't want to talk about shoes, clothes and gossip with the man I end up with.  That's what my girlfriends are for.  That's why I love them.  They are my gossip, apple-tini drinking, chick-flick watching, work shit out, go-to girls.

I want my man to be my rock . . . and rock my world.

But if it ends up that I keep finding pebbles, I am content being eccentric Aunt, Sister, Writer, and Friend.  I'm gonna just keep living my life the way I live it, as unconventional as it is.  Because life is far too short, and I'd rather be alone than be in bad company.

Love,
Nik