Was It Worth It?

So I was talking with one of my guy friends the other night about something interesting (and extremely cliched):

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?  

Here's what I mean . . . So you have me, a serial monogamist.  I've been in several long-term relationships.  I know what it is like to have someone to talk to every evening about your day.  I've had dates for weddings, Valentine's Day, and birthdays.  My Saturday nights were filled with dinner dates and movies.  I've had someone to go grocery shopping with.  When my car broke down or I needed a "boy" thing fixed at my house, I had "him" there to help me.

Now that I have been single for nearly two years . . . I know what I am missing.  I told my friend that my biggest fear is that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  That I squandered away my relationship chances in my youth and now that I am out of my 20's my chances are slim at finding someone who isn't damaged by some failed marriage, too young to be damaged by anything, still married, etc..  That I should have just settled for one of my past relationships even if they were unhealthy, abusive, or boring, for what?  Security?  Someone to go grocery shopping with, change a tire, or hold me at night?

And yet I still fear living in a manufactured cookie-cutter condo with my cat watching Netflix every Saturday night . . .ALONE.

My friend, who has never had a steady girlfriend, then says to me, half joking, "Well now, with the way you've described it, maybe I don't want a relationship either."

"Naw, you want one--just one that works." 

I then tell him that sometimes I just wish I didn't know what I was missing, but then when I thought about it, both sides of the coin suck.  Being alone and bored is a shitty combo--no matter the back story. 

He also asked me about what he does or doesn't do on dates and early in relationships that drives women away.  I didn't have the answer for this, but assured him that he is not alone in wondering this.  I wonder this too  e.g., my recent encounter with one Giants Fan.

However, I'm sure it has everything to do with neediness.  My friend's need to experience love for the first time and my need to jump (sometimes head first and idiotically) back into love.  Both forms of neediness are extremely sexy---riiiight.  But it is so hard NOT to be needy, even if you just have a toiletry sized bag to check.  Recently I've been finding that everyone has some form of baggage--even the people who appear to have none--ya, these people usually have the most baggage out of 'em all.  Shit, you NEED someone to help you carry it around, or at least recognize that you've got it in your hands.

I keep telling myself that I will not act needy and clingy toward a guy when they start to show interest.  I've gotten pretty good at it.  Seriously.  I go to the exact opposite extreme and act like I could care less . . . which just drives guys farther away.  Great.  Plus, this "act" just seems fake to me.  I'm tired of the games.  If some guy thinks I'm too needy or doesn't like me because he catches sight of my "carry-on", then he doesn't deserve to chill with me anyway.  I will not lower my standards to be with a guy who does not care about me, no matter how much we have in common, or how beautiful he is, or how much he has "opened-up" a.k.a. needs a therapist not a girlfriend.

Note to Self:  If it is too good to be true, it usually is.

So that night, my friend and I came to the conclusion that neither of us has a clue when love will happen to us, or what it's all about, and this is really frustrating and hard.  But the important thing is not to live in fear of being alone and to be easy on ourselves.  Plus, we should really relish our single lives--because once we find ourselves in relationships, we won't get this time back--as good or shitty as it may seem.

Love,
Nik