It's So Hard to Say Goodbye

"Sometimes the hardest thing 

and the right thing are the same."

I've had a ten year love/hate affair with . . . cigarettes.  I remember when we first met.  I would steal Marlboro Reds from my Dad's jacket hanging in the hall closet.  I'd climb on top of the garage, flick the Bic, light the end and inhale deeply staring up at the vast Wyoming sky.  When I turned 18 and quit the track team I bought my first pack of Marlboro Lights.  I would drive down the winding roads on the outskirts of town with the window cracked and the music blaring.  Then I moved to Montana to attend college where I was introduced to the edgy Nat Sherman Clove which complimented my 30-page paper workload.  I graduated from school and smoke breaks became a time to bond with my colleagues.  The longest time we've ever been apart was almost a year . . . and then I went through a break-up and you were right by my side again Camel Turkish Silvers, comforting me that long 6 hour drive back to Montana.  

However, the reality is, I hate the way my clothes, my hair, my skin, and my car smells after having just one cigarette.  Plus, it's really expensive.  The last pack I bought was $6.79 and a pack lasts me about two days--if I'm not out having drinks--then it's more like one pack that evening.  I don't even spend that much on good tea or coffee a day.  I really need to get my priorities straight.  It is also terrible for my health.  I used to run a few miles a day, outside, in sun, wind or snow.  I want to be able to run and exercise again without feeling like anything (a.k.a the BLACK LUNG) is holding me back.

I've tried quitting about a thousand times before.  I tried the gum, the patch, everything short of hypnosis, but somehow I always come back to smoking.  I keep telling myself that I will quit "after my birthday" or "after the holidays" or "before this or after that", but I never do.  Someone always has one there for me to bum or there is always that convenience store on the corner.  

Today was my first full day without a cigarette in a long time and I felt like I had to stay in my house for fear of ripping someones head off.  Now, I'm moody to begin with, and you take my smokes away and I might just commit a felony.  

I'm not sure what to do.  I'm going to try this not smoking thing the hard way--on my own.  I suppose I can chew gum, buy the economy sized Red Vines licorice, and blow pops . . . but that's really like comparing crack-cocaine to pop-rocks.  I have identified what triggers me:  stress, a really good meal, coffee, really good sex, getting really pissed off, seeing people smoke in movies (FIGHT CLUB is the worst movie to watch when quitting smoking--I might have to wait a year to see this movie again), drinking, drinking (drinking counts twice), feeling sad, having a bad day at work, being around other people who smoke, driving in my car ANYWHERE, chocolate, hanging out with my family, shall I go on . . . ?.

Whatever.  I gotta do something.  

I like breathing normally.  I like sleeping without snoring--so sexy.  I actually like being healthy and smelling like a non-smoker.  But there is also this teeny little voice inside me that also liked the "Ya?  So, you can tell I smoke? So what?".  The thrill of having a vice . . . an addiction.  I suppose it's time to grow up though . . . I've never played the part of badass very well, anyway.  I usually leave that up to the guys I date  . . .

1 day cigarette free and counting . . .

Sincerely,

Nik

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