I Want To Live Without Fear

So today is my birthday. It's been great so far. I had a good time out with my friends last night and today I am resting and relaxing at home. One of my favorite things to do is to go for long drives around the valley where I live. I think I will do that today with a hot mug of coconut chai tea. Yummy.

I've also been doing a little reflection on some things that I've learned this year. One thing is certain: this past year kinda sucked.

When I was laid-off from my technical writing job in May, I actually discovered that I hated that job. I just don't think I ever allowed myself to be conscious of how much I hated it out of fear. Fear of having to put myself out there again. Fear of everything changing. Fear of not being able to pay my bills. It's funny how being let go actually turned out to be one of the best things that every happened to me. I had to face my fears and once I realized that was all that was holding me back, I got my butt in gear and started looking--not for a job that would pay me the most money, but a job that I actually wanted to do.

I've discovered that I really do want to open a tea shop, but I just can't do it today. Somehow, the universe is telling me that I am just not ready yet and I am patiently listening to that. So, when the opening for the library assistant opened up, I jumped at the opportunity to apply. And guess what? I got it! I start tomorrow.

I started writing daily again. I cannot believe how much this is helping me. This blog has done wonders for my writing. Sometimes I rant and sometimes I get a little personal here, but it is a direct reflection of who I am and what I am going through at the time. Sometimes I feel like I say too much and I start thinking that I want to cancel my blogger account and just go underground for awhile. Then I think that a lot of people go through this same kind of stuff, whether it is a shitty break-up, a drunken night, fights with friends, or even crazy family members. If I can help anyone feel like they are not alone in feeling the way they do, than I guess I'm cool with people knowing I threw up in a laundry basket! Also, I've been doing this amazing writing exercise called "Morning Pages" (from the book "The Right to Write" by Julia Cameron). It only takes about 20 minutes and you just free write a full three pages about anything. It's weird, but I feel so much better about my day when I do these 3 little pages in the morning.

Now, on to some things that I am thankful for from the past year:

Montana: I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Sometimes I look at the Bridger Mountain Range and I am simply blown away. Even if I sometimes get frustrated with this town, and the silly cliques, or the box stores, I just take a deep breath, look at those breathtaking mountains and realize that there is no other place I would rather be.
My health: I have a condition that requires monthly medication to the tune of about $100 + a monthly $175 doctor visit. Without insurance, this has been really hard, but I have sacrificed, my parents have helped me when they can, and I have paid the bills. I am determined to be healthy and have been lucky enough to have wonderful doctors and medication to keep me so. Unlike 1999 and 2005, 2009 was not a health crisis year for me and for that, I am eternally grateful.
My friends: From road trips to the ghost town of Virgina City, MT where we took old time pictures to our annual costume party time before we head out on the town for Halloween, my close friends are truly amazing. They are there to listen and to have my back whenever I need them. I can only hope that I do the same amazing job for them as they do for me.
My family: I was able to visit my family more this year. My mother and I have a much stronger and heather relationship. I got to spend time with my three-year-old nephew and one-year-old niece. Gpa is doing better after open heart surgery and my aunt is better after her health scare this year. I've also re-established contact with my birth father and my aunt and am so happy for the opportunity to do this . . . "it's when you open your heart that love surrounds you."

And now some goals for next year:
1. I am not drinking this year. This is not a punishment. I don't have a drinking problem. I just want to see how a dry year would feel. I am still going to go out and have a good time. I have several personal reasons too. My lifestyle is kinda changing with my new job, I want to be healthier, and it sounds like an adventure. Should make for some interesting blog entries too, eh?
2. I want to live without fear. Now I'm not saying I still won't fear a bear eating my face off or crazy rapists or anything. I've just really begun to notice how I do certain things out of fear. For example, the whole work thing I explained above. Or how about the unhealthy ex-boyfriend I keep going back to because I am afraid of being alone on a Saturday night, a Monday night, or for the rest of my life. Or being afraid that I am not skinny enough, cool enough, or tall enough for the guy I'm crushing on and he won't like me. Silly, I know. Fear should no longer be making my decisions--I get to make them. I gotta keep that fear bug in check. All of us strong, independent women need to do this . . . comprende?
3. Don't Worry. I want to continue to live my life in the present moment and practice mindful meditation. My favorite quote is from Buddha, "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." I love this because if you are living in the present moment, the less anxiety and worry you feel. But shhhhh, it's all a secret . . .
4. Be Happy. See #3. It's detrimental and it works. Trust me.
5. Surround Myself With Positive People. And by positive people, I don't mean the "everything is flowers and sausages" optimist, I mean positive people for me. I am pretty sensitive and I need to be around people who understand that. I like astrology and consulting the universe, but it doesn't mean that I don't believe in God or Spirituality. (I was raised Baptist for goodness sake). I need to be around people who understand this. I sometimes find that I pick the wrong people, let them in, and then allow them to hurt me. I was discussing this with my mother the other night, and she told me I've always done this--even as a kid. Obviously this is something I need to work on. Got it. Check. Working on this next year: Positive people.

I'm excited for this new journey around the sun. Out with the old! In with the new!

Love,
Nik