The Definition of Insanity

The universe clearly wants me to learn some lessons because they're being thrown all up in my face.  It's so frickin' sweet.

Lesson One:  This lesson should be quite obvious if you have been drinking as long as I have (this is not something I'm proud of btw).  Anyway, don't mix rum, some nasty-ass wine sangria, bud light, and two long island ice teas.  This is THE recipe for disaster.  Come on Nik, you're so much smarter than this.  In my defense, I think I stopped giving a shit about what I was drinking about the time my guy friend (a bouncer at my favorite bar) decided to drop Lesson Two in my lap.

Lesson Two:  "Oh you didn't know [my ex/ex boyfriend who I dated for 5 years] is getting married?"  PAUSE:  You know that feeling you got when you were a kid and someone threw the dodge ball and hit you in the stomach so hard that it took your breath away . . . well, that statement was my red, plastic dodge ball.  It literally took my breath away and I had to walk away for a moment . . . and yes there were tears, not hysterical tears.  The alone kind of tears--the shocked tears.  Perhaps this lesson is that I am not totally over this person.  But that's just something I have to get through, and can still wish him nothing but happiness.

Lesson Three:  Now, onto the antithesis of happiness--My ex boyfriend.  I am obviously not over this guy because I still find him to be the most annoying, narcissistic, selfish man/child I have ever met.  I say that I am not over him because if I didn't care, I'd be pretty apathetic to him telling me LAST NIGHT that he is moving back to upstate New York July 23rd.  This is the boyfriend who's favorite thing to tell me was, "Babe, I just have to rock." or the ever so classic, "Babe, I can't help it if hot babes want to touch my hair".  This was also the boyfriend who threw cupcakes I made him at my house because he was mad at me for some random reason.  Oh yes, and the ever so lovely drunken "Baby just take me backs" on my porch which resulted in the police having to take his drunk ass home.  And yet, I really did love him.  How?  Why?  You may be asking yourself?  Because I was stupid about love.  I thought that love was drama and intensity and passion (oh lord, the passion), but what I've really learned is that it was a childish, selfish love.  So, I'm throwing a party July 23rd.  I'm making a fucking cake too.  You're all totally invited.  We're gonna celebrate this chapter in my life being officially OVER.

Lesson Four:  I put myself out there with a guy who obviously wants nothing to do with me and never has.  I initiated contact.  I went and chatted at work.  He mentioned his ex.  I should seriously know better.  I guess I thought I'd waited long enough.  Jesus, we're all walking around with some kind of hurt inside of us aren't we?  I suppose the lesson here is to be wary of someone who isn't walking around with some kind of hurt.  Yes.  I meant to say "isn't", because feeling that hurt for yourself is a lesson in and of itself about how to treat others.  Or maybe I'm just full of shit?  Who knows?

But what I do know is this:  If I keep repeating the same patters, the universe is just going to keep giving me the same lessons to learn--and that's boring.  Perhaps it's time for me to break free. 

After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Love,
Nik